Post 12: A Piece Found

I am not completely healed and not all the way complete, but I feel that I've found a piece of what I was looking for. I came looking for answers that I thought I had long since answered, and came to find answers that I never knew I was looking for. I came back to my roots, the place where my cells first met the air in search of something that was missing, I thought it was closure, and still could be, but I also came to find passion. I never knew that life could be anything but what needed to be done, what we had to do to survive. I didn't know that along with life we must live without regret, we need to have wants and we need to want something so much it hurts, and I found it, in a place that I thought was for those that did not have the confidence to be themselves. Instead I learned that in order to be here in order to be someone else, you must first know who you are and where you stand. I found my passion and I found bits and pieces of myself that I had suppressed, through acting. Here I thought I could use acting to help find my mother, but I didn't realize that I needed to do it through myself. Acting helps bring out my memories because they help me be someone else, but I've realized they can help me find myself first. In the last few months that I've come to meet wonderful people and to learn about an industry that I never knew could mean so much. I have come a looooooooong way in the past few months and I plan on going until I can reach a moment when I can step aside and truly say that I feel complete. I know that for the next few months I'm going to have to learn to love someone who in real life, I don't like very much, but I've come this far and I can keep going. President Han told me that he expects great things from me, and that I have experience many don't and that is what makes me special, he also told me that I am the very first Trainee to have debuted so fast, and with such a big role. I am proud of myself and proud of who I can say I am becoming, and I have a feeling that I will probably continue complaining and whining in English about someone that can understand, I will probably always be talked down too by those who believe they are superior. But I will not give up, and I will learn and gain new experiences until I am satisfied. And maybe I will find my mother and see that she is doing well, and be able to walk away. Or maybe I won't see her at all, but she will see my name see that I am doing well and she will be proud, and be content. Perhaps I wasn't ever meant to find her, perhaps I was only meant to come here to discover my passion, whatever it may be,  I have Cynthia (whom I beat out for the role of Li Hua, but she plays my best friend's sister), David, who is currently touring in the U.S and Amelia, supporting me while attempting to make it in an industry where her mother casts the largest shadow. I hope to make these people stronger as they make me. Wish me Luck ;)

Love,
 ~ Faye 


(This is the last Post for my Creative Writing Project, I may continue it someday, with what continues to happen to Faye as she works through the entertainment world. But for now, Thank you for reading! ^-^)
~Amira Escott

Post 11: The lady at the cafe

Amelia is back after a month of fighting with her mother about studying her, she's back. As a celebration we wandered Taipei (the Capital) and we ended up finding this tiny club place, it's a cafe, but it has performers at night, it was really interesting. But what was strange was the fact that I recognized the place... I couldn't remember why it looked so familiar, Amelia suggested that it was because maybe I had been to a place similar to it when I was a kid. As we were leaving, they were setting up the stage for the night performers, and there was this one lady that just seemed so familiar but I couldn't bear to go ask her if she knew me. It was as if being there was triggering these memories that were blank and had yet to develop from being in the dark so long. We left but I still wonder where I know her from. Anyway, besides that interesting tid-bit I found out who the leads were for the drama I tried out for, Destined Hearts starring, Ru, and Heavenly. I'm no longer sure if I won't the part anymore, because I have to be in love with Ru.... and pretend that Heavenly is my sister... not that my would be character would love her exactly though. Now that I have my Celeb wiki back, Amelia says that Heavenly's real name is Heather Lee, but when she had concerts and fan signings, the fan's chanting always sounded like "Heavenly" so eventually she took it on as her stage name. She started acting when she was nine-years-old and won awards for her ability to tug heartstrings with her realistically emotional scenes. She is known as "Panda's sweetheart" and "Panda's Princess" along with Ru, they are the biggest stars at Panda. Truthfully I don't see anything "sweet" or "heavenly" about her. I guess Ru and "Heavenly" were a match made in Heaven hahahaha. I'm soooo funny!!! no? ok well, I try. I don't know, I still want the role really bad, maybe because I really connect with the character and because the President has confidence in me. He said that the director was really impressed with my performance, and that it was between me and another newcomer. But President Han also warned me that if I got the part I wouldn't just be acting in front of a few directors, I would be in front of the entire cast, and camera crew, the wardrobe and make-up departments and so on. I don't know if I'm ready for that. But I have never wanted anything more in my life, is this what David meant by passion? I'll have to ask him next time I see him.

Post 10: Audition!!! And Cynthia

So good news, I went to my very first audition today, President Han said that this part was made for me... I was confused, because I didn't think he knew that much about me, but I was wrong, I feel that maybe he knows everything. I'll explain, so I was told about the audition about a week ago maybe? and was told to prepare a monologue, which I did. I performed one about this girl who has lost her memory and how she is confused by these feelings, as if despite the loss of memories she has every feeling attached to those missing memories etched into her chest.  After the monologue I was asked to cold-read the part of Li Hua, a girl whose over shadowed by her older sister. She never noticed how much her mother adored her sister and put her sister first, that is until her father, who had always doted on Li Hua, passed away. After the death of the father, the mother can no longer care for the two sisters as well, and so she sends Lu Hua off to a relative, who in turn sends her off to an orphanage. Lu Hua grows up feeling as if she was always unwanted, Unsatisfied with life in the U.S Li Hua returns to Taiwan with blessing from her adoptive parents. She returns to find that her mother has salvaged her father's conglomerate food company and along with her older sister is living the life of the wealthy. Li Hua was hurt to find out that her mother had never sent for her either. Li Hua makes a resolution to make her mother proud. Also at this time she ends up going in her sister's place to a marriage meeting and falls in love with the man, although Li Hua, her sister and the man, are all unaware of the fact that the man and Li Hua's sister both refuse to continue the marriage meetings because their "lost loves" are both one and the same. Li Hua discovers this and has conflicted feelings about keeping it to herself in an attempt to have something for her own. The part I got was the part when Li Hua returns to Taiwan and finds out about her mother's wealth, when she confronts her mother, her mother turns and leaves reminding Li Hua of the time when she was abandoned. President Han was right, it was as if this character was made for me, the memory of being abandoned, and returning to try and figure out the why. While I cold-read the part, I could feel the memories of my own abandonment surface for the first time in about 10 years, I even shed tears, I felt as if this character was me. I'm not sure if I got the role, but after the audition I felt on top of the world. I LOVED every moment of performing both pieces, and I can't wait to be able to someday play a whole character and their story from beginning to end. I also met another English speaker, I'm not so sure she would join the "English club" David and I created though. To be completely honest she kind of scares me, I mean I walked in to audition, and she was auditioning for Li Hua as well, she's half British and half Taiwanese. She was really serious and doesn't smile at all she spent the majority of the time during the waiting period glaring at EVERYONE. How the heck did I end up finding out she spoke English? well  I tripped over her foot, flew a ways and like David I started muttering in English... I apologized in mandarin, but she responded with a melodious, British, "it's ok". She also noticed that I had been translating my cold-read piece in to English in an attempt to better understand it in my first language. She seemed cold, but she wasn't mean, so that means it's good right? I hope I do well on this audition, after all it is the supporting lead, which means I get a full contract! but even if Cynthia (that's the girl's name) it, I would be happy. Whelp, Wish me Luck!

~Faye

Post 9: "Heavenly"

I have become quite used to my schedule I guess, the strange thing is that I'm really enjoying my acting classes. I have gotten over my stage fright, although President Han says this may come back to haunt me when I'm actually on set, so that's something that I have to beware of. There is just something intriguing about slipping into somebody else's life, it comes so naturally. I had even had this dream about acting on set and despite the amount of NG's I had, and how I had to re-shoot scenes, I had the best time, too bad it was only a dream. But President Han came into class today and told me that he was really impressed with my progress and was going to start having go to auditions... the other girls aren't happy with me. They say that I'm a newbie and that I just started a few months ago, there is no way that I could be better than them, and that they deserved the auditions more than I did, which is kind of true, I just arrived and I feel bad... but President Han replied saying "Well if you would work hard like Faye, and had nearly as much talent, than maybe you can start getting auditions, in the mean time, continue to use your daddy's money to pretend you're special and see if you make it big." I was in awe... and I haven't heard a word from them since, well except the rare few about how they didn't know what David Song saw in me, to hang out with "a girl like her" whatever that means. sigh, and in case you can't tell my mandarin has gotten ALOT better, but there are a few phrases I still can't understand... pretty sure they might be swearing and insults, so maybe it's for the best. I also realized that I may have to take back what I said to Ru... acting is far more difficult than I thought, so maybe not ANYBODY can do it... There are so many different things that you have to consider as an actor, every movement even the slight move of the wrist has to be in character. "would your character bite their lip in this situation or would they smirk and act as if nothing fazes them?" every movement and thought counts and must not be "you". I starting to really enjoy it though, it's a challenge that I love, and it feels good to know that i'm good at it too. I think that when the time comes it may be difficult to leave... although I can't say the same for the people, I met the "angel" of Panda. Her name is "Heavenly" hahaha Heavenly my butt. She knocked into me today on the way out of Panda and just turned and told me to watch where "someone like you" steps. I don't know, maybe I have a sign on my forehead that says "I am lower than you so totally treat me like dirt!" ugh Wish me Luck!

~Faye

Post 8: David and the English club

David was waiting for me when I came out of my acting class today. It was strange and I told him I hoped he hadn't become my stalker. He just laughed at me. He told me that he was just missing the States and was hoping he could speak with someone who would understand. It was almost like he knew that I needed to talk and was especially lonely the past few weeks without Amelia. Besides David I had yet to meet anyone in Taiwan that I could really call a friend. We went walking at the cherry blossom park, that wasn't really it's name but that's what I called it, because the park was full of them and David told me that when they bloomed in the spring they would rain pink snow. I have only been here for three months yet I still can't wait for them, I wonder if I will bloom when they do. I asked David how he came to be in JEM, and what had possessed him to become a musician. He told me that he had never planned it, in fact he hadn't even known he could sing until he got put it in to the band. "It's kind of funny the way things turned out actually. When I was scouted I was 17, and at that time in my life I was having a hard time, because I felt I was living in my two brother's shadows. The eldest is a violinist who was a prodigy, he was always watched by professionals and told he would become one of the best in that field. The other a swimmer training for the qualifying rounds of the Olympics. At the time, I was exploring all kinds of things trying so hard to find something that was mine and not theirs, everyone would say to my parents how proud they must of been and lucky that they had two of three sons who were so successful. I was in a dark place, but I was only in high school so I kept telling myself that I was OK, and pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be the ugly duckling, only I had yet to find a pond to look into. It was at this time that one of the K-pop obsessed girls at my private school in New York took a picture of me and posted it online. I was really freaked out when men in dark suits showed up at my school and told me that this girl had posted my picture online and they told me because of my looks and such, they thought it would be really beneficial for me to come to their company audition. I prepared a song and went, I was really surprised when I pulled second. I hadn't ever known that I could sing like that. The company offered me a contract to Korea, and the rest is history. The only thing is that I really miss the U.S and it was hard to adjust. But once I did I was fine, and I even came to love singing and it's now my passion. I guess that's why I'm really happy for you Faye, that you can find your passion and pursue it." The thing about it is, acting was never my passion. I told him that. What does it mean to have a passion? Is it just something that you want to do? I don't know maybe if I find out, maybe if I find my passion I'll truly feel like I belong, like David. I'm only here to find my mother, to try and find peace so I can return to my life, the way it was before. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad to find out what it feels like to have a "passion" well, Wish me Luck!

~Faye

Post 7: Lonely

It's silent here. I can almost feel the floors breathing in and out the silence that is left when I step through the door. I can almost feel every piece of furniture reach out trying to touch the living. It's almost eerie and I was hoping I would never have to feel it again. The last time the feeling of darkness and the chill of absence traveled my arms was when I was five and utterly alone on the orphanage steps. No. That's not true, I've lived carrying this feeling around because I've discovered that it can come even when I am surrounded by all the students at Ouranmond High School. I guess this is the first time that I've realised it was gone all these years... when it reappears. Now that I really think about it, the last time I truly felt loneliness was before Amelia. I had moved around a lot as a kid, and even though I truly loved my parents, there is something about being different from everyone and teased for looking different from your parents that can really bother you. In all the places I had lived I was the only Asian, and no one really knew what to do with that. I was an American trapped in an Asian body and no one, not even myself knew how to deal with it. When I moved to California it was no different, I ate lunch alone and tried to pretend that I was just like everyone else, that my best friend was a blond girl named Tiffany and that her and some girl named Brittney hated each other. That Tiff and I would talk for hours on end about Brittney. But that didn't happen, I would always still be the same Asian that everyone asked for homework from before Trig. I was invisible and the funny thing was, Amelia came waltzing in, the daughter of a high end fashion designer, someone who was anything but invisible and she was the only one that saw me. She was my first real and best friend. Sure there were lots of times where she had to sneak down the side of her mansion to avoid her body guards just to go to the movies with me, not to mention the ridiculous amount of times we had to disguise her with random wigs and glasses, but she was the best thing that happened to me. And what girl would have dropped everything and a summer in Paris just to go to Taiwan with her kooky best friend who thought she could find her mother by becoming an actress?  I don't know why I'm on here now telling the world, who really could care less about this, but perhaps it's because it helps erase the feeling of loneliness. ugh, she's just gone back to the U.S, well more like her mother had ten bodyguards drag her back for the week, yet I'm on here sulking and acting like something really bad happened. But that's not really why I even came on here to write. It was just a little too quiet in the house. But I'm slowly overcoming my stage fright, and President Han seems quite impressed. Half the time I swear I'm living in a modern fairy tale with President Han as my fairy god mother. I just hope that I debut soon so that I can truly see my mother. There is an Actress by the name of Li Hua that I think might be her. I wanted to ask President Han if he could help me meet up with her.  Wish me Luck!


~Faye

Post 6: Invading monkeys

I don't think I helped my situation with big shot Ru... It's kind of strange what happened... OK maybe not. Well when I was heading to one of my acting classes I saw Ru, and well, I'm usually very quiet and known as meek, sweet and such and I reeeeeally didn't want one person's opinion of me change my track record... so I went to apologize, only it didn't go that well. Before I knew what had happened I had told him that acting was stupid and that anyone with a brain and watches television can do it. I mean he told me I couldn't act... He then asked me what my motive for being there was, and being stubborn as well as sweet I told him it wasn't any of his beeswax and that I didn't have to tell him and wouldn't not even if monkeys invaded earth and took him captive and telling him was the only way to save his sorry butt. Only I said the last part in English... because well, I'm not that rude. Unfortunately his manager speaks fluent English and couldn't stop laughing... what is with all these secret English speakers lurking around? I mean seriously, can't they wear a sign that screams I SPEAK ENGLISH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING EMBARRASSING IN FRONT OF ME EVEN IN ENGLISH BECAUSE I WILL UNDERSTAND! Well anyway, despite all this I have yet to find my mother, but I knew it wasn't going to be easy, which is why Amelia and I created a list of all Taiwanese actresses aged 42 or around there, there are A LOT but I'm sure I'll find her! oh I learned a new phrase... Jia You, it sort of translates to Good luck or Fighting! so... Jia You! We can do it!


~Faye

Post 5: Newbie!!

I am unofficially officially a newbie at Panda Entertainment!!! That's right! The president liked me. He told me that I had talent but that I needed a lot of lessons to help me get over my stage fright. Which is where the Unofficial part came from... Despite the fact that I had only gotten through half of my monologue during the audition, President Han told me that I had the ability to infuse emotion into my character and get so into it that I no longer seemed like the same person. However when I lost my concentration that's when my stage fright began. I think that I'm lucky to have even had the opportunity to work on my abilities and to have met President Han. However with good there always seems to be bad and that bad just happened to be the "star" of Panda... His stage name is Ru and he was also on the panel. He argued with President Han about my lack of ability to act. He listed a bunch of things that I have since forgotten. For someone soooooo famous I actually had never heard of him before... so I had the audacity to ask him, " who do you think you are?" yup... when I got home and told Amelia she nearly slapped me... apparently he is known is Taiwan as the "king" of dramas. Now I know why he hates me... and why he glares at me every time I see him at Panda. well wish me luck! looks like I'm going to need it!

~Faye

Post 4: Oh 3rd Grade Recital...

I'd like to clarify, I don't sing. I just don't. So I thought it would be worth mentioning that I did not audition as a singer under Panda Entertainment. It's not so much that I can't sing, just that I refuse to. I mean, every time I do, well it just ends bad. This is due to the fact that when I was in the 3rd grade, I got picked for the solo for our choir's concert. Every year Mrs. Meghony picks one special kid to get the special solo. I didn't want to audition but I got picked anyway. I'd like to make a note that I was fine FINE! during the practices, but the night of the concert, as soon as I started to sing, my pepperoni pizza decided it didn't want to be excluded from the spotlight and made a reappearance. Yup, right onto my gleaming white angel robe. I never sang again. I don't know why, but I always just associated it with singing... I was wrong, apparently I have this thing called stage fright.... I found that out at the Panda Entertainment audition.... yeah.... they still haven't called and its been a week. I'm afraid that stage fright and acting do not go together, but I'm mostly afraid that "they", the judges for my audition, don't think so either. Wish me luck!




~Faye

Post 3: Mandarin= Gibberish

I found myself an agency!! OK, so I'm not apart of it per-say but, I went to audition. Actually let me rephrase that, I tried to get myself an audition... Funny, yeah in mandarin class, they never tell you that classroom mandarin is NOTHING like the language that the Taiwan people speak... nope. nada. zip. It was horrible. I walked up to the lady at the front desk of Panda Entertainment, and started to ask about the audition. The lady, her name tag read, Kim, looked at me like I had just walked off a UFO and into the building looking like my brain was on the outside of my head, just floating around or something. I understood two things she kept saying, "shén me?" = what? and " wo bu zhi dao" = I don't know. Actually three, "ni shuo shen me" = what did you say? I was speechless. It never occurred to me in this genius plan of mine, that I could be wrong, that I could possibly not be able to properly communicate. I had taken three classes worth of mandarin and was top of my class, this wasn't supposed to happen. As I stand there frozen, a guy who had been standing by the wall on the far side of the lobby, comes over and starts speaking mandarin to "Kim" I put my head in my hands and groan, embarrassed. Of course the guy must have heard the whole thing and thought I was some kind of moron, I mean he was talking and pointing at me. I started muttering in English about the injustice of the world and how it was possible such an incredibly cute guy could be standing there and witness my humiliation as well as talking about it while I was a few feet away! It wasn't everyday that someone that was so cute, like, straight out of K-pop cute, waltzes in to my life, I was over come by the sheer beauty of it. I swear that's how it was, I mean that's the only way I can sanely explain what happened next. The guy turned like he was leaving the building, before doing a 360 back toward me. He handed me a piece of paper and said,  "Here's the audition time, you're at a disadvantage, since the forms have been being handed out for a month or two, and you only have a week. But she said to just fill out the info on the form and prepare a monologue that showcases your ability. Oh, unless you're here to be a singer."  I said the only coherent thought that popped into my head, "You speak English?" He smiled all cute and stuff, "Well, I better, I was born and raised in New York after all." That meant he heard E V E R Y T H I N G. From me calling him cute, to cursing him for being rude, he heard it all. It was the worst day of my life, or at least it felt like it at the time. But he gave me his number and told me he was glad to meet a fellow American  and if I ever had issues again to just call him. He walked out, and a cluster of fans mobbed him screaming "JEM! JEM!" He was David, from the k-pop group JEM. I had just met David from JEM. I had just gotten the CELL phone number for David from JEM!!!!!! The number 1 Korean band! ME Faye! what a day!


~Faye

Post 2: Home sweet home?

I love Amelia, I do. But at 7:00 this morning, I loved her a whole lot less then I usually love my best friend. Picture this: all my luggage by the door of my apartment, ticket sitting on top of my purse along with my passport and car keys. I am wearing my most comfortable jeans and Beatles t-shirt. I have a warm cup of hot chocolate that I am finishing as I head toward the door. It is at this precarious moment, as I have exactly forty-five minutes to get to the airport, check my baggage and get to my plane, that my bubbly blond friend bursts through my doorway. And when I say she burst, I mean her luggage and all. I am not kidding, her luggage. At first I was not suspicious of what the luggage meant, after all, the daughter of a famous fashion designer goes on random trips to Paris all the time. No, it wasn't until she uttered the words, "You're wearing that to Taiwan? How am I going to be seen with you?" that I realised something was wrong. Some how we managed to get to the plane on time, which still completely baffles me, considering the fact that for fifteen of those precious forty-five minutes, she was making me change. By the time I got out I felt like a tourist PLUS heavy metal had thrown up on me. I don't understand why Amelia was NOT OK with being seen with someone wearing normal clothes, as opposed to a leather skirt with a leather jacket and two metal necklaces hanging down around my neck, with a ginormous straw hat and sunglasses that covered half my face. Did I mention that Amelia's mother is overprotective and sent six body guards with her? So, not only did I look ridiculous but everyone was staring at me and the body guards. Amelia kindly told me that if I was going to go into acting I would have to get used to the attention. I kindly kicked her in the shin. So that was an overall interesting first day, and I hadn't even landed in Taiwan yet. But when I did, Amelia had already set up housing and everything. Only thing I had to worry about was making it "big". Yeaaaaah, Amelia isn't happy that I came without a plan.... she's still ranting about how irresponsible I am.... wish me luck!



~Faye

Post 1: Missing

There is something missing. I have yet to figure out what or whom it might be, but something is missing. So I have decided to go back to the beginning. It's a cliche, I know that, but it's the truth. I feel that in order to figure out the problem I must start at the root. For me California is actually not the beginning, most people reading this will not know me, and that is what I wish, therefore I feel I must explain.  I was raised in Cali from the time I was five-years-old, but up until then I lived with my single mother in Taiwan. I remember the small streets and the tiny shops on Sunday afternoons. But most of all I remember the stories my mother would tell me about her work, the extravagant clothes and all the different people she was. None of this mattered to me really, I accepted the fact that my mother had left me, and I thought I was OK. Which is why I can't figure out why it is I feel that something is wrong, missing. I figured that maybe if I went back, maybe if I could find her and see that she's alright it'd ease my mind and I could continue on with my life. It's going to be a difficult process though, I cannot let my parents find out. If they knew that I'm going in search of my birth mom I'm sure it'd crush them. But I guess this is a bit long for a post... so I'll get to my point. I'm going to find my mother in Taiwan, just to see from a far. Since her stories about her performances are my only memory of her, I'm going to do it through acting.


~Faye